“Can’t Afford To Move,” Claims White House Squatter
Taxpayers to save big on wasteful elections
WASHINGTON, DC—During a free-wheeling Oval Office press conference in which he also took a power nap and directed the Secretary of Labor to invade Narnia, reigning Mar-a-Lago Bumper Bowling Champion and aspiring international fugitive Donald Trump sought to preemptively assert squatter’s rights ahead of the 2029 expiration of his lease at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
“I don’t know if you’ve seen the total screw job housing prices or crooked Jerry Powell’s criminal interest rates lately, but how’s a guy supposed to afford a modest upgrade to a decent gold-lined last stand bunker these days? I have no choice but to just retire in place,” he lamented to reporters. “So tomorrow I’m signing an executive order cancelling the 22nd amendment and some other woke stuff in the Constitution. Pam says it’s cool.”
“Also,” he continued as an assistant touched up his Original Tang topcoat, “do you have any idea what it costs the government to hold a dumb election that we all know I’ll win by the biggest margin in history anyway? That Nut Sack kid from Elon’s team figured it out. Like $46 trillion. So we’re skipping it. Stay home and save your gas money for eggs, which by the way are super cheap now. You’re welcome, America.”
Touting further taxpayer savings, Trump added that Russia had agreed to supply, at no cost, advanced ballot counting software and hundreds of Spetsnaz election monitors to supplement local militias’ efforts to ensure correct voting in next year’s midterms.